It was my friend’s mother’s birthday a few days ago. She passed away last year in July after fighting with cancer for nine months. She would have been 54 now. I miss her. She was a wonderful person.

It’s my birthday this Sunday. I will turn 27. I have invited 13 other people to my apartment that is suited to host almost 6 people comfortably. So my birthday celebration is going to be like a college party jam packed with drunk kids falling over on top of each other because there is no space left anymore. I am yet to make a plan though. Main course food is the most important part. Everything else is easy. I talked to a friend today to discuss what I can do. She has hosted a party of 8 people and she prepared all the food at home. 14 people would be too much, so we are thinking I can borrow her oven that day to prepare pizzas for everyone. My oven and her oven combined can make 3 or 4 pizzas at a time. That could be the main course. Rest is easy-peasy. Now the problem is how I would bring her oven to my home. Let’s see. I think a bike would work.

It’s very likely that my parents cannot come here in March. I checked the visa appointment availability yesterday and realised there are no appointments available. I had checked before too but I always saw an appointment date available one or two days in future, so I thought a visa appointment would be easily available. Yesterday I went one step further to selecting a date and realised that only one date and one time is available in two-three months. It’s all booked. Shit! I realised this yesterday. I am disappointed in myself. I often have trouble planning things and doing things on time. This time I thought I was doing well but aparently not. They will be disappointed when I tell them tomorrow or the day after after checking the dates once again. They were excited. I am feeling bad.

By the way, I am wondering if I have ADHD. I have had the symptoms since childhood. I suffered without knowing the reason and kept cursing myself. I connected the dots for myself a few weeks ago. I will try to get a diagnosis test to see if I have it. Today I tried to reach the GP for an appointment and they gave me a self-test form to fill in. It had two levels: my behaviour now, and my behaviour as a kid until I was 12 years old. I had to fill in the answer to the questions in terms of frequency: almost never, sometimes, often, and very often. My answer to most of the questions at both stages of my life was often or very often.

A diagnosis (of this or some other condition) would be very helpful for me to understand myself better. I have trouble at work. I have trouble in my personal life. All due to a certain behaviour that I have had for most of my life. If I can correct it by being aware, by taking medications, by communicating with people, I would like to. If there is no condition, even then I would like to talk to a therapist to understand why I do certain things, because my actions affect my self-esteem. It’s not new and it’s making my life harder with age as I am expected to be responsible for more and more things. Let’s see how it goes.

I need a haircut, but I want to save money, so I will let my hair grow until February.

Oh, by the way, I am missing home more now that my parents’ trip seems unlikely. I did not go home in December because I thought my parents would come here in March and then I would go in next December. Now they are likely not coming and December seems too far away. I cannot keep trying and have them here later this summer because I have to move out of this house before July. I have good friends here but nothing beats home. I will go in August. I have a summer school at that time but fuck that. It’s a bad idea to organise a summer school during the holidays but still the organisers went ahead and did it. Fuck them. Many students are against this. I am too.

ok… it’s late. I will go to sleep now.