I just had a very very long call with a local friend here and we talked about all sorts of random things. At some point during the call I talked about how my behaviour was in one way in school and college and very different in masters and my PhD. Something happened in between these two stages of life that even I do not understand.

But it made me realise something else. I have another friend in India who is also something like this. I have known him since childhood and I have seen how… how do I say this… powerful, strong, confident, comfortable…, these are not the words I want to use but I do not have a word to describe what I am feeling, he can be. I. have seen him in his natural state, considering his personality and upbringing. When I see him now I remind him of what he could be. I try to point out to him that perhaps he is in this … less comfortable… state for such a long time because he is not doing something right. He is miserable. I can see it. But somehow he can’t. Perhaps he is in denial. Or maybe he is blinded by something else that he wants.

I say these things to him, but I never thought in the same way about myself. I just realised that after this random call. I…

P.S. Same day 17:18

I fell asleep while writing.

Moral of the story: I have lost my old self, like my friend, and now I am aware of it.