Sometimes I feel like I should stop writing about certain personal topics on this blog. Maybe I should or maybe not.
I don’t know. But this life. It has its high and low moments. Like every other person, I go through the highs and lows every day. That’s exactly what gives me courage to talk about my low moments. I feel that everyone rides this roller coaster everyday in one way or the other. When I write about things that make me vulnerable, I think everyone who can read this and judge me knows secretly or not so secretly that they have also been through such things, so there’s nothing for me to be ashamed of – it’s all normal.
But sometimes it makes me feel weak because I feel that everyone can read what I am writing and make an opinion about me. That opinion might hurt me in certain situations because they would know the things I might not want to tell them in that situation.
Okay, I am talking like thousands of people read my blog. I think no one reads it. But just the thought itself scares me sometimes. Sometimes I write about very sensitive topics, and when I go to work or with friends after that, I am always a little concerned that they might have read that. Again, I think that nobody reads it but still.
It’s important to point out here that I write for myself. I do not write this blog for anyone but myself. I do not care if anyone reads it or not. I kind of don’t want people to read it, you know, but I never hide it either. It’s all public yet private. Some of my friends know about the blog. I am fine with the thought of a few people (friends) reading it, but I get uncomfortable when I think about my colleagues or relatives reading all this. Anyway…
I like the process of writing and maintaining a blog. It’s a fun activity for me. It’s my outlet. I can say almost whatever I want for as long as I want and I do not bother anyone. No one can complain about the kind of things I write here. No one can say that I am over excited, sad, boring, or fun. If anyone has a problem with what I am writing then they can just stop reading. I never invite anyone to read my blog. I might tell people that I have a blog, but I never tell people to read it or whatever. I try to bury it down in the conversation so that no one focuses on it. It’s because I don’t write for others. I don’t want to please people with what I write here. I just want to write what I have on my mind.
I was feeling not so well this evening. I am a little stressed due to workload. I am not doing enough sports these days so I tend to get a little sad once in a while. Writing (in a private journal or here) is one of the activities that can lift me even during the lowest moments. Really, It’s been only ten or twenty minutes since I started writing and I am feeling a lot better. I mean, it’s nothing bad. I am okay, but I was just a little low this evening. I tried to cheer myself up. I even went for a walk with a friend. He’s a very nice guy. I enjoy his company, but still, something was missing. I couldn’t relax. I relaxed when I finally picked up my laptop after avoiding the thought of writing for a couple of hours.
Now I am calm.
I have always had hobbies ever since I was a kid, but I think starting a blog was one of the best fun decisions I ever made. I got interested in websites sometime during the first year of my master’s. I don’t know how but I got interested. I wanted to have my own website. I didn’t know about what but I wanted it. My friend and I were discussing about physics one day and I suggested we document our discussion on a website. That’s how dyfrad started. I wanted a website. That day I took action. But then after some time I realised that I can’t do much with the Physics website so I turned it into a personal blog.
Ever since then, this blog has been very helpful to me. After maintaining the website for almost eight months, I also got interested in developing it by myself. I like DIY stuff. I hated Wordpress for as long as I used it. (I even paid a lot for that thing.) And since then I started to enjoy my blog even more. It’s because I designed it. I feel good when I open my website because it’s not a readymade look from a generic theme. But anyway, now I am digressing a bit.
By the way, a fun thing happend on Monday. I have been going to a swimming pool since the last few weeks. Until Monday I was swimming with a floaty cylindrical thing under me because I was scared of being in deep water. I know how to swim forwards, backwards, lie on water and all that ever since I was a kid, but I was not comfortable being in deep water becuase I had never been in deep water before coming to the Netherlands. I am getting used to it now. So after practicing for three sessions by myself, I got the confidence to take the floaty thing off and go into the pool. It’s a highlight of my time in the Netherlands. I love being in water. Now I can do it safely. Well, not now-now. I mean after some more practice I can be relatively safe in deep water because survival in the water depends on being relaxed. So… it’s all good. I will go to the pool again sometime this week. I am allowed to go twice a week. There’s a kind instructor who sits beside the pool and sees if everyone’s alright in the pool. Sometimes I go to him and ask him what I am doing wrong. He helps me with the technique.
Okay… Let’s go to sleep. My sleep cycle got shifted by almost 3 hours in the last few weeks. I used to go to sleep by 23h. Since the last week or so I have been going to sleep around 01 or 02 h. Hmm…not sustainable. I need to fix it. It’s important.
okay, bye bye…